Mean Person

I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  Many people think of it as compulsive handwashing or ritualistic cleaning. Both are certainly a subtype of OCD but the interesting, and frustrating part of OCD, is that it is so very varied. The list of subtypes is extensive and for the sake of space, I won’t go into them. Just know that OCD can be about nearly anything. There is an old adage regarding OCD I have heard for years: OCD takes the form of whatever the person cares most about. Unfortunately, it is true. Mother’s often have OCD regarding their children. Students have it about school work. And yes, religious people have it about their religion. It only makes sense.  Why would a person obsessively worry about something they didn’t care about?

One of my OCD symptoms is about being kind. An integral part of my Christian faith is loving others. So you might be thinking; what’s the big deal? If you are gonna worry about something, wouldn’t worrying about if you are being nice enough at least be useful to worry about?  If you do not have OCD then probably. But for a person with OCD it is a minefield. It could involve avoiding social interactions out of fear that you wouldn’t be nice enough. It could take the form of mentally reviewing every word you spoke to someone that day to “make sure” you didn’t say anything that might have been unkind. Obsessing about being kind enough does not make you nicer. It just makes you not present in your life, which, in case you haven’t caught on, actually takes me away from the ultimate value I have of being present in the lives of others and showing them Christ’ love.

It is one of the symptoms that I work on. But something happened the other day. A light bulb kind of moment. I actually am a pretty mean person. I can just hear my dear friends and family now: they would tell me that is ridiculous! That I always try to be kind and probably even apologize for things that don’t even make them upset. And despite my worries, they would be right. The kicker is a person with OCD is actually less likely to do the thing they worry about because they are so aware of it.  So, who have I been being so mean to?

Myself. Do you ever notice the kind of things you say to yourself? The tone and content? Are you very negative or harsh with the way you ‘speak’ to yourself? If you are anything like me, some of the things I say to myself, I would never in a million years say to a friend. Or let’s face it, even a stranger.

“I’m such a loser! I can’t believe I’m still struggling with this!”

“Ugh! I’m so fat.”

“I am so stupid.”

“You should be better at this than you are!”

“Having depression makes you weak.”

These are some of mine. I would never say anything even close to these to another person. It would go against what God calls me to be. So why is it ok to say them to myself?  Just like the good friend whom I recognize as a beautiful creation of God, so am I. I have been disregarding what the Bible says. I have not been showing love and kindness to myself.

 1 Corinthians 13:4-6 says: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs.”

I try very hard to apply this verse to my interactions with other people. But I have not applied these concepts to myself. As Christians, we do not get to pick and choose which parts of the Bible we are going to believe or follow. And the truth is, this verse applies to all in God’s creation. Including myself. Including you. I have a choice to make. I can continue this harmful pattern and continue to show a blatant lack of love to a member of God’s creation, or I can choose to live out the words of love that God spoke in the Bible.

I’m going to choose to seek forgives from God for the lack of love that I have been showing to myself. I am going to pray that He helps me to be kind to myself. I’m going to pray that I begin to see myself how He sees me. I have a feeling that it’s going to be a process, but perhaps this time I can be patient, and kind, and keep no record of wrongs. With His Help.

Love,

Danielle