Can you be a Christian and be Depressed?

I have tried to write this blog post many times. It’s difficult because sharing this makes me feel raw and exposed. But the Journey Woman blog is about sharing my journey in following Christ and my life long struggle with mental health.

I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder when I was in the fourth grade.  I had been very symptomatic for years before the official diagnosis, so I don’t really remember life before OCD.  There was nothing before it to compare it to so there was nothing to mourn. It just was.  Years later, I began to also suffer from depression. Depression is considered a comorbid condition with OCD so many patients experience both. Much of the time, when a person is very symptomatic with OCD, they also have increased depression. But sometimes the person also has MDD or Major Depressive Disorder that is considered separate from the OCD.  All that means is the two aren’t necessarily connected. A person can experience a biologically based depressive episode, even if the OCD isn’t really acting up.

Maybe it’s because I don’t really remember life before OCD, but I have always been more comfortable with the idea that I had depression, because I had OCD. It just seemed better somehow.  We all have to face some unsettling truths as we go through adulthood. Mine was that I have Major Depressive Disorder. Over the last thirteen years I have worked really hard gaining tools and methods for dealing with the OCD. I still struggle but I have a very handy and extensive tool box. But sometimes, even when the OCD was doing well, I’d have a depression spell that would knock me to my knees.

OCD and MDD are not my only labels. I have some really awesome ones too! Mom, student, preacher’s wife and the best one of all: Christian. I can objectively say that I have a blessed life. We aren’t rich or well-traveled but I have a wonderful, Godly husband who tries his very best to lead the family in a Christ-like way. I have two of the most funny, caring and cute boys in the whole wide world.  I have great family and friends. Three (yes three) cats and a nice little house on a cul-de-sac.  I’m slowly but surely achieving my goal of finishing college.  I have the love and redemption that is only found in Christ.  Perhaps other people want more out of  life but all my boxes have pretty much been checked.

Yet I still struggle with life shattering depression.  I have put off writing on this topic because I find it so difficult to explain what Clinical Depression feels like.  We all have times of sadness and depression in our lives. Perhaps because of a challenging life change or a loss of some kind. Maybe because we are lost in a sin and it has pulled us away from the God we love so much. Clinical Depression is different in that is biologically based and not dependent on outside circumstances. Everything can be going fine and ‘bam’! Something in the brain chemistry changes and your mind and body shift into a depressive episode.

You begin to feel differently mentally and physically. It goes far beyond being very sad. Sometimes it takes every bit of strength and will power that I have to simply take care of my physical needs and those of my family.  You can’t refocus on the positive or even look to the amazing blessings you have in your life, because Clinical Depression is not an emotional state. It is an illness. It is not a hopeless illness, but it involves intervention, treatment and lots of hard work on the part of the patient.

I have kept my struggle with severe Depression secret for many years. I would try to down play it and present a good face in public.  How could I explain it to people? I am a preacher’s wife.  We work at the Church and make our living (for lack of a better word) telling others about the amazing, life-changing, eternity altering salvation we have been given through Christ. How is it possible that I am depressed? I have asked myself this question a million times. I have beat myself up over it. I have tried even to bargain with God saying “Don’t you see God? If I didn’t have to deal with depression, I could do so much more for you.” I could volunteer for more things at church. I could be the super mom-preacher’s wife of my dreams!

  I have also prayed and begged God to take this thorn from my side.  It hasn’t happened in the way that I wanted it to. I haven’t found that cure-all yet, but God has sustained me and has not only gotten me through every single depressive episode that I have ever had but has used my experiences for His glory and purpose.  I have told God more than once – make all this benefit someone else. Let my struggle be the thing that helps a heart soften and come to Christ.

Christians have all kinds of struggles. Diabetes, heart disease, cancer; the list is endless. A lot of people get caught up in the prosperity gospel trap. They want to view God as some sort of a genie that bestows blessings on those who do what they are supposed to do. But we know that being a Christian does not protect you from illness, troubles, or hardship.  But God does sustain us, comfort us, and give us the strength to keep working for His kingdom. Despite everything, we have worth and a glorious purpose.

So I guess the point of this post is this: No more hiding. I am a Christ-follower who battles Depression and OCD. Struggling with Mental health carries a certain amount of stigma, both from society and from within myself. But not from God. Jesus says “Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” That blessed rest comes through the salvation Christ gives.

My prayer for myself is that God use my struggles to glorify Himself. That when I cannot stand, I will gladly kneel at the feet of Jesus. And that I trust God to complete the plans He has for me. Let us never limit God by deciding what he can and can not use to His purpose.

Love,

A sometimes Clinically Depressed but always gracefully saved Christian

Mean Person

I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  Many people think of it as compulsive handwashing or ritualistic cleaning. Both are certainly a subtype of OCD but the interesting, and frustrating part of OCD, is that it is so very varied. The list of subtypes is extensive and for the sake of space, I won’t go into them. Just know that OCD can be about nearly anything. There is an old adage regarding OCD I have heard for years: OCD takes the form of whatever the person cares most about. Unfortunately, it is true. Mother’s often have OCD regarding their children. Students have it about school work. And yes, religious people have it about their religion. It only makes sense.  Why would a person obsessively worry about something they didn’t care about?

One of my OCD symptoms is about being kind. An integral part of my Christian faith is loving others. So you might be thinking; what’s the big deal? If you are gonna worry about something, wouldn’t worrying about if you are being nice enough at least be useful to worry about?  If you do not have OCD then probably. But for a person with OCD it is a minefield. It could involve avoiding social interactions out of fear that you wouldn’t be nice enough. It could take the form of mentally reviewing every word you spoke to someone that day to “make sure” you didn’t say anything that might have been unkind. Obsessing about being kind enough does not make you nicer. It just makes you not present in your life, which, in case you haven’t caught on, actually takes me away from the ultimate value I have of being present in the lives of others and showing them Christ’ love.

It is one of the symptoms that I work on. But something happened the other day. A light bulb kind of moment. I actually am a pretty mean person. I can just hear my dear friends and family now: they would tell me that is ridiculous! That I always try to be kind and probably even apologize for things that don’t even make them upset. And despite my worries, they would be right. The kicker is a person with OCD is actually less likely to do the thing they worry about because they are so aware of it.  So, who have I been being so mean to?

Myself. Do you ever notice the kind of things you say to yourself? The tone and content? Are you very negative or harsh with the way you ‘speak’ to yourself? If you are anything like me, some of the things I say to myself, I would never in a million years say to a friend. Or let’s face it, even a stranger.

“I’m such a loser! I can’t believe I’m still struggling with this!”

“Ugh! I’m so fat.”

“I am so stupid.”

“You should be better at this than you are!”

“Having depression makes you weak.”

These are some of mine. I would never say anything even close to these to another person. It would go against what God calls me to be. So why is it ok to say them to myself?  Just like the good friend whom I recognize as a beautiful creation of God, so am I. I have been disregarding what the Bible says. I have not been showing love and kindness to myself.

 1 Corinthians 13:4-6 says: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs.”

I try very hard to apply this verse to my interactions with other people. But I have not applied these concepts to myself. As Christians, we do not get to pick and choose which parts of the Bible we are going to believe or follow. And the truth is, this verse applies to all in God’s creation. Including myself. Including you. I have a choice to make. I can continue this harmful pattern and continue to show a blatant lack of love to a member of God’s creation, or I can choose to live out the words of love that God spoke in the Bible.

I’m going to choose to seek forgives from God for the lack of love that I have been showing to myself. I am going to pray that He helps me to be kind to myself. I’m going to pray that I begin to see myself how He sees me. I have a feeling that it’s going to be a process, but perhaps this time I can be patient, and kind, and keep no record of wrongs. With His Help.

Love,

Danielle

What do you use the Bible for?

I was doing a woman’s bible study book and one of the questions looked so simple it seemed ridiculous. It was “what do you use the bible for?” All the “Sunday School” answers came to mind. You probably know the drill. It is a way for God to reveal His will for my life. It teaches us right from wrong. Through reading the Bible I can understand the nature of God.  2 Timothy 3:16-17 gives a good summary. “All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God maybe thoroughly equipped for every good work.” I had to ask myself, is that what I really use the bible for?

My answer to this question stopped me in my tracts. I use the Bible for something different. It’s such a subtle difference that a casual observer might not even notice. I have not been using the Bible as it is described in 2 Timothy. Instead of using it as a reference for correcting and training, I was using it as proof that I am an awful follower of Christ and am hopelessly missing the mark. Instead of using it as a guide and humbly submitting to the changes that I needed to make for my walk with Christ to improve and flourish, I was using it as a tool for emotional self-flagellation.

What’s the big deal, right? In both scenarios I’m reading the Bible and trying to adjust my way of thinking or my actions to be in accordance with the Bible. What’s the harm? It turns out, the harm was far reaching. I was using the Bible as a tool for punishment, not correction and guidance.  I was using the greatest love story ever written to meet my own twisted desire for self- punishment and regulation. I was essentially saying, “Thank you God for forgiving me of my sins and giving me the gift of salvation, but just in case that isn’t enough, I’m also going to emotionally torture myself.” 

I think Christians have issues with this because we know we are sinners and we are so grateful for the mercy and salvation we have in Christ. We desire to follow God and please him so much that our perspective can shift. It’s like when you are looking through binoculars and they are out of focus just a bit. You can still see what is in front of you but the image is blurred. In the same way, I wanted to be so conscientious in serving God that I let me own control issues blur the reality. We sometimes use this emotional self-flagellation, as I call it to say: “See God, I am trying so hard, I am even willing to torture myself for you.”

I imagine that some people with a sensitive conscience (like me) will say well it’s better to go overboard versus not trying hard enough. But let’s take that out of the equation for a moment. I’m not talking about not trying hard to follow the Word of God, or no longer feeling the real and true need for repentance. We are sinners. We need that. But where is your focus? Are you using the word of God for training and guidance, or as a guidepost to confirm your own poor nature and to impose your own self-punishment when you find yourself lacking? Are you commandeering the role that God has in your life by putting yourself in charge in this way?

That is the crux of it. It is not my place to change what the Bible is for.  I have yet to find in scripture that we are required to be unkind to ourselves and apply our own punishment. Please don’t misunderstand me. Sin is a very real and very serious thing. Following God and His Word should be our utmost priority. If your vision has been out of focus like mine has, I hope you will begin to see clearly as well. I am so very grateful for the forgiveness and the purpose that I have in Christ. My prayer for myself and for those like me, is that we will truly step out in faith and let God change us. That we will stop punishing ourselves in the hope that we will improve, and instead truly trust in the forgiveness that Christ gives and to give God the reins so that through His word we will be transformed.

Hebrews 4:12 says, “For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”

See, the Bible doesn’t need our help. It needs our obedience.

In Love,

Danielle