I have
tried to write this blog post many times. It’s difficult because sharing this
makes me feel raw and exposed. But the Journey Woman blog is about sharing my
journey in following Christ and my life long struggle with mental health.
I was
diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder when I was in the fourth
grade. I had been very symptomatic for
years before the official diagnosis, so I don’t really remember life before
OCD. There was nothing before it to
compare it to so there was nothing to mourn. It just was. Years later, I began to also suffer from
depression. Depression is considered a comorbid condition with OCD so many
patients experience both. Much of the time, when a person is very symptomatic
with OCD, they also have increased depression. But sometimes the person also
has MDD or Major Depressive Disorder that is considered separate from the OCD. All that means is the two aren’t necessarily
connected. A person can experience a biologically based depressive episode,
even if the OCD isn’t really acting up.
Maybe
it’s because I don’t really remember life before OCD, but I have always been
more comfortable with the idea that I had depression, because I had OCD. It
just seemed better somehow. We all have
to face some unsettling truths as we go through adulthood. Mine was that I have
Major Depressive Disorder. Over the last thirteen years I have worked really
hard gaining tools and methods for dealing with the OCD. I still struggle but I
have a very handy and extensive tool box. But sometimes, even when the OCD was
doing well, I’d have a depression spell that would knock me to my knees.
OCD and
MDD are not my only labels. I have some really awesome ones too! Mom, student,
preacher’s wife and the best one of all: Christian. I can objectively say that
I have a blessed life. We aren’t rich or well-traveled but I have a wonderful,
Godly husband who tries his very best to lead the family in a Christ-like way.
I have two of the most funny, caring and cute boys in the whole wide
world. I have great family and friends.
Three (yes three) cats and a nice little house on a cul-de-sac. I’m slowly but surely achieving my goal of
finishing college. I have the love and
redemption that is only found in Christ.
Perhaps other people want more out of
life but all my boxes have pretty much been checked.
Yet I
still struggle with life shattering depression. I have put off writing on this topic because I
find it so difficult to explain what Clinical Depression feels like. We all have times of sadness and depression
in our lives. Perhaps because of a challenging life change or a loss of some
kind. Maybe because we are lost in a sin and it has pulled us away from the God
we love so much. Clinical Depression is different in that is biologically based
and not dependent on outside circumstances. Everything can be going fine and ‘bam’!
Something in the brain chemistry changes and your mind and body shift into a
depressive episode.
You
begin to feel differently mentally and physically. It goes far beyond being
very sad. Sometimes it takes every bit of strength and will power that I have
to simply take care of my physical needs and those of my family. You can’t refocus on the positive or even look
to the amazing blessings you have in your life, because Clinical Depression is
not an emotional state. It is an illness. It is not a hopeless illness, but it
involves intervention, treatment and lots of hard work on the part of the
patient.
I have
kept my struggle with severe Depression secret for many years. I would try to
down play it and present a good face in public. How could I explain it to people? I am a
preacher’s wife. We work at the Church
and make our living (for lack of a better word) telling others about the
amazing, life-changing, eternity altering salvation we have been given through
Christ. How is it possible that I am depressed? I have asked myself this
question a million times. I have beat myself up over it. I have tried even to
bargain with God saying “Don’t you see God? If I didn’t have to deal with
depression, I could do so much more for you.” I could volunteer for more things
at church. I could be the super mom-preacher’s wife of my dreams!
I have also prayed and begged God to take
this thorn from my side. It hasn’t
happened in the way that I wanted it to. I haven’t found that cure-all yet, but
God has sustained me and has not only gotten me through every single depressive
episode that I have ever had but has used my experiences for His glory and
purpose. I have told God more than once
– make all this benefit someone else. Let my struggle be the thing that helps a
heart soften and come to Christ.
Christians
have all kinds of struggles. Diabetes, heart disease, cancer; the list is
endless. A lot of people get caught up in the prosperity gospel trap. They want
to view God as some sort of a genie that bestows blessings on those who do what
they are supposed to do. But we know that being a Christian does not protect
you from illness, troubles, or hardship.
But God does sustain us, comfort us, and give us the strength to keep
working for His kingdom. Despite everything, we have worth and a glorious
purpose.
So I
guess the point of this post is this: No more hiding. I am a Christ-follower
who battles Depression and OCD. Struggling with Mental health carries a certain
amount of stigma, both from society and from within myself. But not from God.
Jesus says “Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you
rest.” That blessed rest comes through the salvation Christ gives.
My
prayer for myself is that God use my struggles to glorify Himself. That when I
cannot stand, I will gladly kneel at the feet of Jesus. And that I trust God to
complete the plans He has for me. Let us never limit God by deciding what he
can and can not use to His purpose.
Love,
A
sometimes Clinically Depressed but always gracefully saved Christian
